I'm Fine

There's this thing in the chronic illness community about spoons.  The idea is that, when you are just a little bit sick all the time, you only have so much energy, so much of you that you can give day to day before you tap out.  The thing is, your spoon count changes from day to day, depending on all kinds of factors that are out of a person's control.  I understand the spoon thing, but I don't really feel like it accurately describes the experience.  Sometimes you get a sudden spoon replenishment halfway through the day.  Sometimes your spoon count suddenly crashes when you least expect it.  The reason the spoons thing doesn't really ring true for me, personally, is that I can't quite quantify my wellness so neatly.

"You're so healthy"  "You're so strong"  "You're an inspiration"

These are sentences that have been uttered to me in the past week.

I have felt like a bit of a dumpster fire lately.

It started with the depression.  "I'm just tired" is what I say when asked if I'm all right, when colleagues see me putting my head down on a desk.  Often, for me, depression is a signal that something is physically amiss.  Usually a rest day and iron supplements can help me pull out in relatively quick time.  I can usually "hide" it until it passes.  I get extra sleep and drink more water and eat more fruits and vegetables.

But this week it didn't pass so easy.  It got a little worse.  And then came the stomach ache, and with it the headache, the pounding heart, mild congestion, slight asthma, and night sweats.  Nothing debilitating.  Just enough to make me slump in corners during moments of quiet.  "Everything okay?"  they ask.  "I'm just tired." 

I'm just tired and achy and confused and I want to cry most every minute.

I'm fine.

It could be worse (which is, as a friend pointed out, is a pretty terrible barometer for wellness). 

I can still work.  I can still exercise.  I can still eat (but I'm not excited about it, and everything is turning to mush in my gut). 

So I start to take stock: what are the emotional stressors (oh, gross, I have to face my FEELINGS?  UGH) that are upsetting me?  What have I been eating lately?  What's disrupting my sleep?  Have I been journaling/meditating?  How much screentime am I getting?

I see a few things that *might* be problematic.  I take action.  I talk about my feelings with my spouse, with my friends.  I have a crying jag in the hallway with my boss while trying to hide my face from the passing students.  I take little moments to read, to meditate, to listen to calming music.  I eliminate foods that might be irritating my gut.  

I step on the scale; I've lost 5 pounds this week.

I'm fine.

There were times in my life when I would have given my last dollar to lose 5 pounds in a week.  Now I get excited when I have to 'go on a diet'.  "Baby, I'm getting too fat!" I say to my hubs with a giddy grin when my pants are snug. 

I make sure I'm never in a place too far from a bathroom until I get this all sorted out. 

I wonder how long I should self-assess and self-treat before seeking medical attention.  It's not so bad.  It's just a little low-level "everything is awful".  I can work.  If I can work I'm not *really* sick.  Because, if I'm being honest with myself, I'm just a little bit sick all the time.

I'm fine.

I've been far worse and been far better.  I know it can swing in either direction.  I know I have a lot of control over that swing.  I also know that I don't have *all* the control.  And I'm always still trying to figure it out.  Do I need more probiotics or less?  More protein or more starch?  Will asana make me feel better or worse?  I feel like a mad scientist experimenting on my own body and mind, seeing which little adjustments have what effect. 

Sometimes it's all working.  Sometimes my system, my routine, my self-care is humming along in lockstep and I feel like a wellness warrior, smashing all the assumptions about chronically ill people.

And sometimes I smile weakly at the people who ask how I'm doing and lie right to their faces.

"I'm fine."


Image source:  https://9gag.com/gag/a73bpZe/im-fine-the-biggest-lie